How You Know You're A MomI have decided to make a list of things that will show you (in case you didn't already know this about yourself) that you are indeed a Mom.
You Know You're A Mom If:1. You leave the house without brushing your teeth. And it's not because you are a scungy person, or you enjoy doling out a good dose of halitosis to the world, it's simply because you're a Mom, and you're busy. Things like teeth brushing are for people who only take care of themselves.
2. You don't shower every day. Or every other day. In fact, you may only get to shower once a week. Or once a month. It all depends on how demanding your kids are, and how many you have. Even though you know smelly gym sock meets greasy dinner is not your husband's romantical scent of choice, you have mastered all the tricks possible to get the most mileage out of your un-showered hair without looking too horrid.
3. There are Little People That Follow You Around and Need Stuff. And unless your name is Dorothy and you live in Kansas, those aren't munchkins. They are your kids. And they will live in your house until they are eighteen. Unless they are boys without ambition. Then they will live in your house eating your food and playing video games until you can either trick some unsuspecting woman into marrying them, or you move away without leaving a forwarding address.
4. You Spend Three Hours a Day At the Sink. If you're a real Mom who cooks real food for the family, then chances are you spend a ridiculous amount of time in front of your kitchen sink. You are either washing you hands, washing vegetables, washing dishes, soaking dishes, soaking laundry, filling pots with water to do the cooking, or filling up the water filter pitcher. If you're lucky you have a window facing the street so you can spy on your neighbors. Yeah, sink times are good times.
5. You Look at the Washer With Contempt. Not because it has personally assaulted you, but because it exists. And it means you have experience with its use. You spend almost as much time with the washer as you do the kitchen sink. It's hard to balance your attention so the other appliances don't get jealous, but that's why you have midnight ice cream snacks. Gotta fit quality time with the fridge in somewhere.
6. Your Alarm Clock Whispers "Mom, I'm Hungry". If you sleep past the crack of dawn, chances are your alarm clock will come in the form of a smallish-type person whispering directly into your nostrils with their stinky morning breath that they are hungry. Of course the sun isn't up yet, but their tummy is. And it is beckoning you to the kitchen. My advice? Buy some cereal bars and keep them on a low shelf in the pantry.
7. You Repeat Yourself Hundreds of Times a Day. Well, the chances of you being a wife and experiencing this are pretty high too, but with kids it's exponentially worse. The Little People seem to think you do this because you enjoy it, but you know it's because every little person is practically deaf until the age of eighteen, or until they have a special person they are dating. Then they are totally Deaf to you and can only hear the special person's voice. Until they get married. Then they go completely deaf on all counts.
8. You Forgo Sleep to Make Cookies. If your kids attend public school, chances are there's a holiday or party at least once a month that your child will volunteer you to make cookies for. And they will neglect to tell you until after you assume they've been asleep for at least two hours. Then they will walk into the living room all sleepy and rubbing their eyes and mention the party to you, and that you need to have five dozen cookies ready. For tomorrow. At seven in the morning. You kiss them, send them back to bed, and walk to the sink.
9. You Know Instinctively That Mopping the Floor Causes Spills. Of course this hasn't been scientifically proven, but my floor has proven it countless times. It's the same phenomenon that when you wash the car it rains. It's just the law of the universe. After you mop all the floors to shining perfection, one or more of the members in your household will spill something sticky and sweet on it. Then they will fall in it and drag others down with them. So you strip them, send them to their rooms to change, and walk to the sink for a little quality time.