I'm gonna open my heart up to you all here . . .

I am cutting and pasting an e-mail that I sent a friend, I pretty much lay it on the line . . . just so you know . . .

People ask; "How's it going?"

The short answer: OK.

The long answer (grab a cup of coffee, I'm not kidding):

It's been really rough. We got back to San Diego at the beginning of August and he went to his doctor there. From the lab work they saw that his toxins were really high so they had him admitted to the hospital to receive 3 days of hemo dialysis in a row.

My husband's numbers improved dramatically. So the doctor had him switched back to hemo dialysis 3 times a week. Peritoneal dialysis (the kind he does at night with the machine) just wasn't working for him because of the extra stuff you have to be careful of/for and he just wasn't. That leaves us here; on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturday he needs to be in Southern San Diego to receive hemo, and those days he is getting it from 1pm to 5pm, and pretty wipes him out for the rest of the day. But his color looks good, and he feels better - even if it isn't the "in perfect health" guy that we knew, it is not the "about to keel over" guy. We are still trying to find what works for us with this schedule. We are still waiting for Gods leading.

I've been frustrated in that it seems God is entirely silent on the matter. I was getting . . well, mad, because I've really had God's absolute direction so strongly on my life that it's absents was alarmingly noted. Then I heard Him. He told me, in the way the Spirit does, that He isn't going to tell me what we need to do. He's going to tell hubby. !!!!! If you know me at all, you know the loop this sent me on!

So I . . . er. . .patiently . . . wait, but I don't know anything right now. He's has been going up twice a week, staying for example, Tuesday to Thursday, and then going up and coming down again on Saturday (like he did this week) but that is so not easy for me.

I tried pulling a 'Sarah' (of the bible, you know, to "help" God out a bit) by looking for low income housing in the states so we could all be there together and just come down as a family to work with the deaf, reserving any interviews or doctor appointments that needed translating or sign practice and bible studies to the days that we would be there, not to mention being there Sundays for Deaf church. Great plan, right?

My plan, my humiliating failure. Red fags should have been raised when my husband said he didn't like the idea. So we, the family, are in Mexico while he goes back and forth. My daughter has started school in Mexico, and the deaf are here every day - without my husband's help I'm feeling very overwhelmed, all the time. I think being tired is affecting my ability to fight off the paralyzing cloud of "poor me".

Thankfully I have others around me that have helped me out, a couple just on Thursday took all my laundry that was piling up and brought them back Friday with dinner. Another couple that have 5 kids of their own are willing to take my kids if I need a break. And I have a few other numbers to call should I need it, and that is a Godsend. Still, I often feel like I'm drowning.

The upside is that he is growing spiritually through all this. The house were he stays, our friends in San Diego, belong to missions pastor, and is a man he respects. I know they talk when he is there. I know my husband has been reading his bible more - since he's had more time alone to do so. During his dialysis my husband tells me of the things he dwells on about what he's read. Here's the bottom line. My husband is doing better - spiritually you could say he is doing well. I am barely holding it together, but now that I've stopped fighting against my present situation but try to work with it, I'm doing better.

Now we just found a house about 1/2 between here and the boarder that we will be moving to and will allow us to continue with the deaf, but be a shorter drive for my husband. So this week we are moving, and no, I don't know how we're going to do that with him being so weak.

Some problems have arose since all this has been going on, my daughter is getting progressively more aggressive everywhere. My weekly menus are getting more and more slipshod . . . and my hubby and I both have our good days and our bad days. The really bad days are those when we have bad days together.

There are a couple more things going on - but I'm not ready to share those yet . . suffice it to say, forgive me if I've ignored you of late. I'm really just hanging on here.